Understanding and honoring boundaries is essential in any healthy sexual relationship. A yes no maybe list is one of the most powerful tools you can use to support consent-based play, deepen connection, and make sure everyone feels heard. Whether you’re navigating a BDSM dynamic or simply want to explore your desires more clearly, these lists provide a low-pressure way to talk about sex, intimacy, and limits.
What Is a Yes No Maybe List?
A yes no maybe list is a tool that helps you categorize sexual or kink-related activities into three sections:
- Yes – Activities you’re excited to try or already enjoy.
- No – Hard limits or things you’re not open to.
- Maybe – Things you’re curious about or unsure of.
This format encourages open communication about desires and boundaries while making it easier to negotiate scenes or relationships.
Why Use a Yes No Maybe List?
Using a yes no maybe list can:
- Make tough conversations easier by giving you a clear framework
- Strengthen trust through honest communication
- Reduce misunderstandings or crossed boundaries
- Support informed, consensual exploration
- Help you discover new desires or clarify old ones
This isn’t just for people who are new to kink—it’s useful for long-term partners too. Our interests can evolve, and a list like this keeps communication flowing.
How to Create Your Yes No Maybe List
Step 1: Self-Reflection
Before you even look at a checklist, take time to think about your desires, boundaries, and any past experiences that felt good—or didn’t. Ask yourself:
- What kind of touch or dynamic excites me?
- What are my emotional needs before, during, and after play?
- Are there activities I’ve fantasized about but never tried?
Step 2: Use a Template or Create Your Own
You can start with a pre-made yes no maybe list template (like Lilith’s Negotiation Checklist) or make your own. Be sure to include not just acts (like spanking or bondage), but also emotional needs (like aftercare or verbal praise) and limits (like exposure or humiliation).
Step 3: Fill It Out Separately
You and your partner should complete your lists separately before sharing. This ensures each person has space to think honestly without pressure or influence.
Step 4: Discuss Together
When you’re ready, go over your lists in a relaxed setting. Talk through each section and take time with any differences. If something is a “maybe,” discuss what conditions would make it feel safe to try. For example, someone might be open to a new kink only if certain aftercare is provided.
Step 5: Revisit Regularly
Your yes no maybe list should grow with you. Revisit it every few months or after any big relationship changes. You might be surprised by how your curiosities or comfort zones shift over time.
Tips for Making the Most of Your Yes No Maybe List
- Be Honest With Yourself – Don’t mark something as a “yes” just to please your partner. Authenticity makes exploration safer and more enjoyable.
- Be Specific – “Impact play” can mean a lot of different things. Use notes or sub-categories to clarify exactly what you mean.
- Use It As a Conversation Tool – The list isn’t the final word. It’s a gateway to deeper dialogue about your desires, triggers, and boundaries.
Common Misconceptions About Yes No Maybe Lists
“These lists are only for BDSM people.”
While yes no maybe lists are popular in kink communities, anyone can benefit from using them. They’re especially helpful for neurodivergent people or anyone who struggles with verbal processing in high-stakes conversations.
“It’s not sexy or spontaneous.”
Actually, the opposite is often true. By taking time to discuss boundaries up front, you create space for more freedom and play in the moment.
“Once it’s written, it’s final.”
Nope. Your list is a living document. You can update it as often as you want. The “maybe” column is there for a reason—it’s okay not to know or to change your mind.
Conclusion
A yes no maybe list is more than just a checklist—it’s a tool for intimacy, consent, and growth. Whether you’re kinky, curious, or simply want to improve communication with your partner, this tool gives you a framework for honest conversations about what brings you pleasure and what keeps you safe.
Want to get started? Download Lilith’s Negotiation Checklist to create your own personalized yes no maybe list. Support your own pleasure journey while helping us continue to offer inclusive, sex-positive education.
